My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
