Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
