There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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