My friends, they love my intelligence
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
