my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
