I love black thongs
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
