Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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