My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
