how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
