if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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