I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
