Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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