made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
