omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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