It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
