We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Mom said you looked used
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
