all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
