Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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