im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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