So drunk its hurt
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
