okay pat passed out under dana's car
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Let's paint friendship bongs
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
