My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
