She is in my trunk
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
