someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
