Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
