Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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