When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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