i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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