Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
