Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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