My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
