I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
