You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
