Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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