We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
