Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
