i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Randomize
