Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
