Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
