I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
