Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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