This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
