I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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