the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
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