nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
