I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
