shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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