I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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