to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
