I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
